


Of Titans and Complicated Feelings

by ichigoangel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: I'm bad with tags, M/M, ereri, half of these are based on songs, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichigoangel/pseuds/ichigoangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of oneshots centered around Eren/Rivaille. In many cases, the oneshot is based off of a song, as those give me more inspiration for stories, but some of the stories aren't. Some are smutty, some are sad, some are a bit fluffy, so really it's just a big cluster of Ereri<br/>The smut is gone because it sucked but I'll probably add some back in later :></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time of Dying

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a song you'd like a oneshot based off of, feel free to suggest it to me! Or even just a prompt is good.

Pain. So much pain.

Blood surrounded the crumpled heap, spreading into a grotesque puddle.

Just another mission. Not one of particular significance; a typical run outside the walls for the scouting legion. Another small mission to prepare the newest additions for what will soon be their everyday reality. Eren and the others had already been on several such runs. But for some reason, this one was different. Somewhere along the line, things had gone horridly wrong. Not that missions outside the wall typically went well, because they simply didn’t, and there were always casualties, but normally the good at least balanced out the bad somewhat. 

Today was different, indeed.

The formation fell apart more quickly than usual. To this day, no one is really quite sure what the leading factor was. It could have been the cluster of titans the frontline ran into immediately. It could have been a single misstep by one scout. The titans all appeared larger than normal. There were less 3-4 meter class and more 15 meter class titans, causing more trouble for Eren. Eren was to use his titan power to his fullest, and kill as many titans as possible while in titan form. Rivaille had made it quite clear that his handpicked selection of elites would protect him at all costs.

A majority of titans was clustered near the entrance of the forest. Rivaille, at this point, (almost) trusted Eren to the point of allowing him to stay near the forest entrance, and fighting the titans clustered there. This was by far the most significant amount of trust he had shown towards the reckless younger scout.  
Eren still had a difficult time consciously controlling himself as a titan. He still, more often than not, lost himself to his constantly burning anger. The elites had long since gotten use to this and adjusted their techniques to protect Eren while still keeping a safe distance. Although nobody questioned Rivaille outwardly, most troops questioned his confidence in Eren and could not understand his thought process in always making Eren a top priority. Yes, he was a beacon of hope for mankind, but he simply was not where he needed to be as an efficient fighter for mankind.

Eren found himself oddly elated at Rivaille’s obvious (more so than intended) display of trust and was particularly enthusiastic to destroy titans that day. He fought with ease in the beginning; however, his eventual downfall was that enthusiasm. He overexerted himself eventually.  
It would have been fine, but there were way too many titans. They were drawn to Eren due to his human scent even though he harnessed the body of a titan. The elites had their hands more than full. Somewhere along the process, they lost sight of Eren and Eren lost sight of them. If the formation hadn’t been in such disarray, the command to pull back would have probably been sent. 

Too much.

Inevitably, Eren lost himself. There was too much to do. Too much to focus on. He had to fight, and that was it. He had to destroy all titans. Every last one of them.

Kill them. Kill them all.

Eren was no longer controlling his titan consciously. His rate of fighting increased, but so did his rate of injury. He did manage to destroy many titans.  
Corporal Rivaille was nowhere to be found. At least, nowhere near Eren. 

Two of four elites protecting Eren lost their lives at this point.

Eren continued fighting with everything he had. A 4 meter class titan was latched onto his leg. 

A few minutes later. The titans were harder to keep away.

Rivaille killed a 7 meter class titan in one sweeping motion. Aware of every battle going on except for Eren’s.

So many titans.

Another elite lost their life trying to protect their comrade. One left on Eren’s protection force.

Madness all around. 

This was supposed to be a simple mission.

A punch. A kick to a titan’s weak spot by Eren.

Too many battles were ending badly.

Eventually, a piercing shriek that shook the whole forest. One titan was laying on the ground in complete agony, and that titan was Eren.

The titans were all over him.

The remaining elite was able to lead some away, and kill one or two of them.

Suddenly, the forest was quiet. There were no titans within eyesight from where Eren was.

Eren was nothing but a crumpled heap. He wavered in and out of consciousness, as blood pooled under his body. The elite troop came back and gasped in shock at the sight of Eren. He was torn to shreds. So much strain had been put on his titan body that several wounds made by the titans had made it to Eren’s human flesh. Eren’s eyes were open  
slightly and he feebly coughed up a trail of blood. The elite was already gone, racing off on his horse to find Corporal Rivaille. 

_I can’t die. Not like this. I’ll wait here. I will not die. Corporal Rivaille will come and I will survive._

Strange that Corporal was the first person to come to Eren’s mind. Not Mikasa, who was the closest thing he had to family. Not Armin, who he would protect with his life. No, it was Corporal, the person who had treated him like shit since they had met. The person who had beat him up in the court room within Wall Shina. 

However, Corporal somehow made him feel alive. Eren hadn’t exactly seen a “soft side” to Rivaille but he had seen some of his less harsh moments. Because once in a while, Rivaille managed to lighten his tone while speaking with Eren. He had also confided in Eren what he didn’t even confide in his hand-picked elites. Their relationship seemed to be based on hatred, but there was more to it than that. 

With these thoughts swimming through his hazy mind, Eren allowed his eyes to close completely. And with that, he lost consciousness.

-x-

The elite troop had been unable to believe his eyes. He hadn’t realized that it was actually possible for Eren to be injured so severely while still in his titan body. The sight was definitely not pretty. Once the elite gained his composure, he hopped on his horse (who was very lucky to not have been injured while the elite was away) and raced to Corporal. Finding Rivaille was a shot in the dark, especially with the lack of structure with the formation. It was safe to say this mission was failing. The elite could only hope that he could track down Corporal in enough time to save Eren.

-x-

Rivaille was fighting as brilliantly as ever. His kills that day were many, which was to be expected. He had fought off all of the titans in an immediate radius of him and found himself wondering how Eren was managing. _The little brat’s probably lost it by now. I should probably go begin fixing whatever damage the damn dog has managed to cause by now._

He turned to face the direction he had sent Eren, and was confronted with the sight of one of his elites hurtling towards him. It was obvious that whatever news he carried was extremely urgent. Since the elite was closing in on Rivaille, he chose to stay where he was and wait to hear whatever failure to the mission had happened now.

-x-

“Corporal! Come with me! Quick! It’s Eren, he’s going to die if we don’t do something!” the elite shouted. He thought he saw Rivaille’s eyes widen slightly, very slightly but figured it was just his imagination. In an instant, Rivaille was on his horse and following the elite. The elite felt bad for having left Eren instead of bringing him, but moving him quickly was going to be complicated and it was better this way. He had sent a couple of scouts that he had found on his way to find Rivaille to protect Eren; hopefully they had found Eren before any more misfortune could befall him. For now, this was all he could do.

-x-

Naturally, Rivaille had been able to keep almost perfect composure, as he always could. However, on the inside countless thoughts were running through his mind. So it had been the wrong choice to trust the brat after all. Nobody could ever guess what outcomes could come of a choice, and Rivaille knew that better than anybody. He had just hoped that the little piece of shit would be able to pull off something larger scale by himself for once. Apparently that was expecting too much of him.  
Although, his view on Eren was rather complex.

Publicly, Rivaille regarded Eren as a filthy dog, which part of Rivaille believed to be true. Because Eren was just a filthy dog. But at the same time he wasn’t. Part of Rivaille realized that Eren had become an important part of his life. Not that he would ever allow anybody to know that – especially not Eren. Eren’s determination was stronger than anyone else’s that Rivaille had ever met. However, the kid always seemed to make horrid choices and couldn’t control his anger to save his life. In the end, Rivaille couldn’t determine what exactly it was he saw to be decent in Eren other than his determination. 

He did, however, know that he couldn’t let Eren die. No, definitely not. He couldn’t imagine Eren being dead. That just wasn’t an outcome that could happen.  
He refused to let Eren die, and that’s all there was to it.

-x-

Once Rivaille was within sight of Eren, he sped ahead of the elite troop, and arrived long before his elite. Rivaille dismounted his horse, leaping lightly off of it. He had known Eren was in terrible condition. Rivaille had seen countless gory scenes in his life but this was one that would stay with him. Eren, having titan power, was able to regenerate himself whenever he was injured. In any other case, he should have been almost completely healed by now. Instead, Rivaille found a gruesome heap that was almost impossible to identify as Eren.

As the elite troop caught up, Rivaille turned to him and commanded him to send the retreat signal, allowing everyone else to return to the safety of the wall. He sent the two troops had been guarding Eren with the elite troop. This left him alone with the near-dead Eren. Once he knew the others were away he knelt beside Eren, and tried to make sense of the mangled body in front of him. Although the younger was bigger than Rivaille, he suddenly seemed tiny. Rivaille grabbed Eren and hoisted him onto his lap to examine his wounds. 

Eren was still unconscious.

Rivaille was always in control of every situation, but he could feel the slightest feeling of panic rise within him as he examined Eren. Giant slashes were gushing blood in several places and if Eren had been a normal human, he would have been long dead. As it was, it was a close call. Way too close of a call for comfort. The only signs that the boy was alive was his faint pulse.

The forest was silent. It was almost nightfall. There were no titans to be found in this part of the forest. Rivaille pressed on the two worst wounds to help stop the bleeding, to speed up Eren’s regenerative process. Surprisingly, this helped quite a bit. Eren was motionless throughout everything. As regeneration finally begun (although at a very slow rate) Rivaille found himself smoothing down a stray bit of Eren’s hair, which was slick with sweat. 

_That was too close for comfort, you could have died, you ignorant piece of shit._ Rivaille thought as he passed a few more minutes simply holding Eren, waiting for the wounds to be healed enough to move him. 

Eren’s eyes opened slightly, and stared up slightly at Rivaille. He was too weak to say anything, but there was definite relief in his eyes at the sight of Rivaille. What was more; Rivaille wasn’t just sitting a couple feet away from him, eyeing him with scorn. No, Eren could feel Rivaille around him. He was in Rivaille’s arms, and he was in no hurry to change that.

ivaille soon noticed that Eren had gained consciousness, mostly due to Eren’s raspy breathing steadying out a bit. Relief flooded through Rivaille and he let out the breath he hadn’t even been aware he had been holding. 

“You fucking brat, making me fix everything you destroy yet again.”

Eren looked up and smiled slightly, as much as his weakened state would allow him. 

Naturally, Rivaille didn’t smile back, but he did have a feeling that was the closest to happiness that he could muster.

“Don’t give me that. We’re going back and if you think I’m going to treat you all nice and softly you’re dead fucking wrong, dog.”  
Eren continued his little smile and closed his eyes, leaning in to Rivaille. Rivaille didn’t tense up, for once, and instead just got up, Eren still in his arms, and mounted his horse. Because they were going home, and as soon as Eren was in a physically stable state he was going to receive a very severe talk from none other than Corporal Rivaille, who cared about Eren Jaeger than he would ever care to admit.

-x- 

_Yes, I do feel alive with you around, Corporal. And I’m relieved that I managed to wait for you, in my time of dying._


	2. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eren loses control of himself completely and it's left to Rivaille to decide what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used for this one is Monster by Skillet.

Wake up, roll out of bed, go downstairs, and feel their glare. Nobody trusted him except for one. Not that Eren blamed them; he didn’t trust himself either. With each transformation it was harder and harder to come back to human form. With each transformation his anger grew and so did the casualties whose deaths were his fault. Sure, he managed to kill plenty of titans and was a great aid for mankind. But in the end, the number of casualties was just as large. Instead of being exhilarated at the thought of battle, Eren found himself terrified. He began to believe that any battle could be his last. That the next time he went into battle he might never make it out of the titan’s body. 

The hostility of the elite troops he was surrounded by during the day rose with each mission. If it were up to them, he would be locked up in the basement with shackles around his ankles and hands, just as a monster should be.

Yes, he was a monster. 

In the beginning, he had refused to believe it. He hadn’t understood why everyone in Wall Shina was so quick to lock him up and regard him as a dangerous monster. He remembered fighting against his shackles, shaking with anger, attempting to find justice in the madness. Looking back on it, Eren realized that nobody had treated him like a human ever since that. Everyone except for Rivaille. Yes, Rivaille did tend to treat Eren shittily, but he regarded him as a shitty human, not a dangerous monster.  
Rivaille was really the only force preventing Eren from staying in confinement. Ever since the trial Eren had hoped that he would be able to prove himself during the various missions he had been on since. If only his performance had improved instead of becoming worse. Eren got people to believe that he was completely unconscious when he lost control of his titan self, but that wasn’t the case.

He regained his complete state of mind. He remembered what it was like to tear the flesh of a human cleanly apart. He remembered swinging his huge arm into buildings, destroying both the buildings and the troops on top of them. His anger was taking control of him. Consuming him. It was coming to the point of most people were unable to even talk to him without him losing his temper. The only one who seemed to be exempt for Eren’s ever-present anger was Rivaille, and sometimes Hanji. Hanji was often exempt only because she was much more understanding than everybody else.

Hanji’s kind words and Rivaille’s unspoken (half)trust weren’t enough to keep Eren from feeling like a monster, though. What if in the end he couldn’t help humanity at all, but instead, hurt it? There were so many bad situations that could happen. For god sakes, he could end up killing all of the survey scouts. And that thought made Eren hate himself. Self hatred was becoming a common mentality for Eren. Before, he believed in himself. He had the determination to kill every single titan in existence. Now, he just hoped he wouldn’t kill too many humans during the next mission.

Eren was sitting at the table with everybody else (although sitting a fair distance from anyone else) when his thought process was interrupted by Rivaille striding swiftly in.   
“Titans by the break in the hall are gaining numbers. We’re going immediately.” With that, Rivaille was already gone and out the door. That one line was enough to make everybody spring into action. Eren also got up, sighing as he made sure he had all of his equipment. Not that it mattered, considering his orders were almost guaranteed to be to fight of as many titans as he could in titan form. 

Within minutes, everyone was on a horse and following Corporal Rivaille quickly through the streets. Eren was near the center of their little formation, mainly due to the need for protection in battle before he went to his titan form. Rivaille began shouting orders to everybody, and after everyone else had their orders he adjusted his strider to match Eren’s.   
“You’re going to fight the titans in your titan form. Don’t screw up, brat.” 

Eren desperately wanted to fight those orders, claim that it was a bad plan and that he should fight as a regular survey scout. But everyone else was around, and that would just add to their suspicion that Eren was losing control of himself. 

Soon enough, the titans came into sight and immediately the elites were off to fulfill whatever orders Corporal had given them. Eren noticed that Rivaille had planned for them to be alone together. Eren took the opportunity to voice his concerns to Corporal.

“Listen, Corporal, I don’t know that it’s such a good idea for me to fight in my titan form right no-“ Eren was cut off at the end of his sentence with Rivaille already replying, “Listen, kid, it’s all in your head. You’ll be fine. If you have that many doubts about being able to keep yourself under control, I’ll kill you right now. So either you fight it and help humanity or I kill you right here and now. Which will it be?”

Eren didn’t respond. He knew a response wasn’t necessary. They both knew that Eren had a determination like nobody else. Rivaille’s words were, in a strange way, just what Eren needed to hear. He didn’t need a signal to transform, that was for him to decide.   
_I can do it. I can help humanity by using my titan form. I’ll kill all of the titans!_ As Eren thought that, he bit his hand and as the blood began to splay from the wound, Eren could feel the transformation. In a matter of seconds, he was a fifteen meter tall titan. _Now all I have to do is fight._ For the first time in a while, Eren felt like his usual determined self. He could do this.

He sprinted towards the first titan he saw, roughly seven meters, and raising his fists, punched it down. The titan landed with its neck facing up, allowing Eren to finish it off almost immediately with a few swift kicks to the neck. He turned to find another titan stumbling stupidly towards him. His first punch stunned it, and his second punch finished it off.

So far, things were going perfectly smooth. A knocked down titan here, a dead titan there. Eren lost himself to the adrenaline rush of battle. 

And then a few survey scouts landed on a rooftop a few buildings away from where Eren was standing. Something clicked in Eren’s mind, almost like a switch. And suddenly, he was bounding towards the scouts. They realized he was running at them and the panic on their faces was unmistakable. Because every scout had been warned that Eren could turn against humanity at any time. Eren tried to run away from them, to focus on killing the titans, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to turn away from the scouts. His arm was swinging at them. One of them escaped the massive arm but one received the blow. Blood and a sickening crunch, and that scout was dead. Oh god no this is bad this is really bad no, Eren frantically made himself run in the other direction. _My only targets are titans. I need to kill the titans._

Eren came into contact with a smaller titan and relief flooded through Eren. He was in control, and he could handle this. He would help humanity and make Rivaille proud. Three hits and a kick later, and the titan was gone. 

More scouts arrived in places near Eren. 

_Yes. I’ll definitely kill them all!_

Eren wasn’t entirely sure that we has still talking about titans.

He leaned down, and stared at a young woman scout. She screamed as she would in a confrontation with any other titan. They believed Eren was a monster. Eren could feel the anger rising within him. A murderous rage was coming to the surface. In the blink of an eye, he had the young woman in his jaws. He clamped his mouth shut, and with a deafening crunch the woman was torn in half. Eren didn’t eat her; instead he just spat her other half out. The other scouts were frozen in terror, and it angered him. _Stop looking at me like that, I’m not a monster!_ He was desperate. He would control himself. He could calm himself and forget that he had just killed another person.

A feeling on the back of his neck. A prick of sorts.

_They’re going to kill me just like any other titan._ Eren shrieked and reached behind him, grabbing the scout who had raised their blades with the intent to kill Eren. A toss, and that scout was another scout dead.

Eren was conscious but he most definitely was not in control.

Anger had consumed him. Rage fueled all of his motions.

A shriek. A punch. A kick. A bite. 

Suddenly the survey corps had lost several more members.  
Everyone near Eren was dead, both titans and humans. But Eren felt no interest in killing titans any more. No, humans needed to die much more than titans did.

He ran.

And he ran.

Maybe he could scale the wall. There was a chance he could get away. This was his last chance; he had blown it. _Kill them all. I’m going to destroy them all!_ Eren shrieked again, and kept running. The next human he was confronted by was Hanji. She shouted at Eren to calm down, to try and escape his titan form. Her words sounded foreign – did she really think he could simply get out of his titan form? It wasn’t that simple. Not anymore. Fueled by hate, Eren lunged at Hanji. She screamed, the first scream he had ever heard from her. With his claws, he scratched at her until she was lifeless. 

Hanji was the first kill of the day that Eren had felt a shred of remorse over. Hanji had more trust in Eren than anyone else besides Rivaille. She didn’t completely hate him and regard him as a soulless monster. But that didn’t matter. He hated her. In Eren’s mind, she didn’t deserve to live.

More people tried to tame him, calm him, kill him; they all failed miserably. 

He was almost to the wall.

All Eren could feel was fury. Fury at everything that lived.

There was nobody around. No titans, no humans. Eren could escape, or so he thought.

Suddenly, Rivaille was there.

-x-

A whirlwind of emotions was happening within Rivaille in that moment. He was torn between two equally strong thoughts; one was a murderous rage towards Eren. Because Rivaille was fully aware of the havoc Eren had caused today. Hanji and countless others were no more because he had lost control of himself. And that angered Rivaille. Because he had placed his trust into Eren. He had truly believed that Eren could conquer his inner demons and be a savior of humanity.

_How foolish to believe in that goddamn brat._

But on the other hand, he sympathized with Eren. Rivaille was fully aware of the contempt the others had for Eren. He knew the way they looked at Eren was the way they would look at any monster. Rivaille wanted to protect Eren, in a way he had never experienced before. He had a lot of contempt in his heart for people and he even had a lot of contempt for Eren. But still, something about Eren made Rivaille want to keep Eren around. Eren’s determination was unmatched and he truly did want to destroy the titans and help out mankind.

However, Eren could not conquer his own anger, and in Rivaille’s mind, that made Eren weak. 

Eren was within sight now. Running towards the wall, of course. Eren was still himself inside of that titan, conscious enough to know that running away would be his only chance at salvation. Eren looked his way, and his eyes sparked in worry. _So even then, he remains to have human emotions as mundane as worry._

-x-

Rivaille had found him. Eren lunged towards Rivaille, but was too slow. Rivaille was soon on Eren’s neck. He could kill Eren at any time he pleased, and Eren was still human enough to know that.

_But am I still really human?_

“Eren! Listen to me right now!”

No.

Eren tried to grab at Rivaille to snap him in half. Just like a twig.

Rivaille swung around to the front of Eren, right on his nose.

“Listen, you goddamn brat.”

Another swipe, another miss.

Rivaille returned to his spot on the back of Eren’s neck. He stabbed through the weak spot, although she missed the most vital spot. Of course, this was on purpose. It was meant to return Eren to his typical state of mind, the one without being blinded with rage. 

It didn’t work. Eren shrieked and reached Rivaille in enough time to put a wound into Rivaille’s arm.

“What happened to helping mankind kill all of the titans?”

Rivaille wasn’t even sure he had meant for Eren to hear that. It was more of a thought spoken out loud, if anything.

That had reached Eren, and Eren tried to escape his titan self. He had made it as far as freeing his head, neck, chest, and arms; but everything below that was a lost cause. He couldn’t feel any other parts of his body, they were fused with his titan body. 

In this process, the titan body had fallen and Eren was looking up at Rivaille, who was standing on the titan’s neck. For once, Rivaille had a sliver of emotion in his eyes.   
“Rivaille, I-“ Eren tried to begin an explanation. But how could he possibly explain this?

“You lost it. You’re destroying mankind and ignoring titans. Is this really what you want?” Rivaille’s tone, while still hollow and somewhat emotionless, lacked its usual scornful edge.

Eren’s eyes were weary. Weary, but also full of rage at the same time. “Don’t you understand? I’m nothing more than a monster. Just like everyone else believes. I can’t control it. You may as well stay away from me before I kill you too.”

“Do you want to kill humans or titans?”

Without thinking, Eren responded, “Humans.”

Rivaille’s eyes widened in genuine shock. 

Eren’s eyes sparked with contempt.

Eren bit his hand again, at an attempt to transform into a titan one more time and kill Rivaille.

Rivaille knew what was coming. He knew what he had to do.

He had to kill the one person in this world he cared about, if only a little.

As Eren drew blood on his hand, a sharp silver blade was dug right through his heart.

Eren’s eyes widened in disbelief and his final seconds were spent staring at Rivaille.

Rivaille had fulfilled his orders. His orders to kill Eren if he turned against humanity.

For the first time in his life, Rivaille lost composure. A tear rolled down his cheek and as the sun set and night began, he screamed, “I fucking trusted you!” and threw the blade that had killed Eren away from him in disgust. It was over. Eren was gone, and so was a sizable portion of the survey corps. Humanity was as good as doomed without its one beacon of hope. As night fell, so did Rivaille’s belief in the future of humanity.

Eren Jaeger had turned against humanity and was killed with the blade of the person he cared the most about.

“I believed in you, brat, I really did.”

-x-

_I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster._


End file.
